29 December 2006
Wind it up!, Part Deux
For the love of corn, I am [spiritually] begging that my super PLEASE turn the heat down. I am going to melt.
26 December 2006
Wind it up!
omg, my nose is going to bleed from this ghetto heat that my super has turned up. dude-- it's 50 degrees!
Busted
23 December 2006
No Crayolas?
I lost my favorite scarf the other day, so I went to the lost & found to check.
The man at the front desk offered to call for me.
"Yes, I have a young lady here who lost her scarf."
(To me) : "What color is it?"
"Blue."
"It's blue."
"Turquoise, actually."
"What? ... Uhh... she said something like - tur-quoiss...?"
"No, turquoise."
"Turquoise?"
He hangs up and turns to me, "They have it."
Relieved, I ran to the lost & found. It was less than an hour before my flight time and I had to get to the airport!
Yeah, so long story short-- after some more questioning, they tell me they found my scarf. And pull out something that is so blatantly GREEN, I don't even know what kind of drugs they were on. Or what colors they learned in elementary school.
The man at the front desk offered to call for me.
"Yes, I have a young lady here who lost her scarf."
(To me) : "What color is it?"
"Blue."
"It's blue."
"Turquoise, actually."
"What? ... Uhh... she said something like - tur-quoiss...?"
"No, turquoise."
"Turquoise?"
He hangs up and turns to me, "They have it."
Relieved, I ran to the lost & found. It was less than an hour before my flight time and I had to get to the airport!
Yeah, so long story short-- after some more questioning, they tell me they found my scarf. And pull out something that is so blatantly GREEN, I don't even know what kind of drugs they were on. Or what colors they learned in elementary school.
20 December 2006
"Ahh! My Nose!"
Two weekends ago, I found myself at a late-night / early-morning after-party (how's that for hyphens) and I sat up quickly to tell my friend something. (The after-party is different story in itself). She must have had similar thoughts because she did the same thing at the exact same time. I collided into her face. Turns out I had crashed into her tooth... and it left a nice incision on my nose! I was just told recently that in addition to still having the cut, it "is definitely still blue"... just in time for the holidays. It's like a festive souvenir of my secrets!
Britain's Top Model (Top Banana!)
Yeah, if someone gave me costumes and did my make-up, brushed up my photos, and picked one of 1,000 pics to reveal "my best shot," I would look hot too. I guess even that doesn't work for everyone on the show though-- particularly the one who looks like the Frauleine from Austin Powers ("... it's a television commercial...") and the one who has a large mole on her upper lip that looks like poop.
19 December 2006
The Perishables
I judge restaurants based off of some quirky standards, I know-- when you have your silverware at 10 and 4, do they still come up to ask if you are finished? If you and your friend split the bill in half with your credit cards, do they only give you one pen?
But judging a restaurant on the quality of their perishables, I would guess, is more common practice. Having milk that curdles in your coffee, limes that are brown, and apples that are overly-grainy can never be a good sign. But what if the perishable items are not even available and merely falsely advertised? Like, shrimp cocktail that comes with fresh lump crabmeat-- but it shows up with no crabmeat. Or turkey avocado club-- but it shows up with no avocado. Or french onion soup-- with no gruyère. It's time to get suspicious. You might be ordering items that not only don't have a high enough turnover... you might really be the only one ordering it! Beware! I have fallen victim to this multiple times over the past couple of weeks... and am still making great attempts to ignore it for the time being.
But judging a restaurant on the quality of their perishables, I would guess, is more common practice. Having milk that curdles in your coffee, limes that are brown, and apples that are overly-grainy can never be a good sign. But what if the perishable items are not even available and merely falsely advertised? Like, shrimp cocktail that comes with fresh lump crabmeat-- but it shows up with no crabmeat. Or turkey avocado club-- but it shows up with no avocado. Or french onion soup-- with no gruyère. It's time to get suspicious. You might be ordering items that not only don't have a high enough turnover... you might really be the only one ordering it! Beware! I have fallen victim to this multiple times over the past couple of weeks... and am still making great attempts to ignore it for the time being.
18 December 2006
Lamp
I swear-- a lamp in one of the hotels I stayed in recently is made out of very large anal beads.
Can't Get You Out of My Head
It's incredible that even two years after seeing a movie you have seen numerous times, you can still have a new found quote that amuses you like a 6-year-old child.
"Oh my god, I love your skirt! Where did you get it?"
"It was my mom's in the 80's."
"Vintage! So adorable..."
"Thanks!"
[girl walks away]
"Oh my god, that is the ugliest f-ing skirt I have ever seen."
-- Mean Girls, The Religion
Admittedly, I have many religions that support my existence to be discussed at a later date.
"Oh my god, I love your skirt! Where did you get it?"
"It was my mom's in the 80's."
"Vintage! So adorable..."
"Thanks!"
[girl walks away]
"Oh my god, that is the ugliest f-ing skirt I have ever seen."
-- Mean Girls, The Religion
Admittedly, I have many religions that support my existence to be discussed at a later date.
14 December 2006
Note to Sense of Dread
Dude - I'm starting to suffer from a Sense of Dread myself. I know you only have a thesis, proposal, summer internship, and lifelong decision to make right now, but for the love of corn change your language options OFF of Chinese!
Going up?
It has been a recent epidemic that residents or hotel guests have mistaken me for an elevator operator. It must be that bell boy outfit I wear 24/7... or the hat. ... the hat!
Today, as the doors were closing, I stuck my hand out to hold the elevator for a woman whom I was sure I wouldn't like... but I felt like it was the polite thing to do. I had already pressed my floor and as she made her entrance into the lift with her bags, elite presence, and an expression that yearned for her porter, she muttered a "thanks" (I think) and articulated: "Seven, please." I was not within arms' length of the buttons at that point. So I ignored her and took a sip of my coffee. It's not like her hands were full; it's not like I was next to the buttons; and it's not like I was actually wearing my elevator operator outfit.
"Until then... down boy." (Props to anyone who can name that quote... ST16, this means you)
Today, as the doors were closing, I stuck my hand out to hold the elevator for a woman whom I was sure I wouldn't like... but I felt like it was the polite thing to do. I had already pressed my floor and as she made her entrance into the lift with her bags, elite presence, and an expression that yearned for her porter, she muttered a "thanks" (I think) and articulated: "Seven, please." I was not within arms' length of the buttons at that point. So I ignored her and took a sip of my coffee. It's not like her hands were full; it's not like I was next to the buttons; and it's not like I was actually wearing my elevator operator outfit.
"Until then... down boy." (Props to anyone who can name that quote... ST16, this means you)
11 December 2006
Bathroom Wars
"That's a MAN... That's a MAN... NO... no, that's a woman that LOOKS like a man!" -Audience member on Jerry Springer on guessing the sex of some guests
Are bathroom designations by sex or by gender? I always thought by sex but it appears that I stand corrected. As I was waiting to deboard a plane this morning, I heard a man pick up the phone. I looked around because the voice sounded so close... and indeed, it was the man in front of us who was dressed as a woman. S/he was one of a couple, her mate an older man from Long Island-- probably late 60s. She had on large sunglasses, an all-encompassing white pashmina, and a straw hat... as though s/he were en route to the Hamptons! S/he also had the biggest. freakin'. man hands I have ever seen (larger than the Chilean president). I have never been so sure of someone being a man.
I am certain you can guess the ending. S/he ducked into the Women's room just before me.
And so then I--
I took the one less traveled by.
Are bathroom designations by sex or by gender? I always thought by sex but it appears that I stand corrected. As I was waiting to deboard a plane this morning, I heard a man pick up the phone. I looked around because the voice sounded so close... and indeed, it was the man in front of us who was dressed as a woman. S/he was one of a couple, her mate an older man from Long Island-- probably late 60s. She had on large sunglasses, an all-encompassing white pashmina, and a straw hat... as though s/he were en route to the Hamptons! S/he also had the biggest. freakin'. man hands I have ever seen (larger than the Chilean president). I have never been so sure of someone being a man.
I am certain you can guess the ending. S/he ducked into the Women's room just before me.
And so then I--
I took the one less traveled by.
06 December 2006
Missed Connections
Access to the Internet should be free. And it should be everywhere.
I started to write a story last night and naturally it got lost as my connection was trying to refresh. (I'm in a hotel with "Free High Speed Internet Access," which is a nice way of giving us a connection but a really shitty one at that).
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I am in desperate need of some new music in my life. I used to be able to hold onto a new album and listen to it incessantly for months (or years) at a time, but my turnover rate has increased immensely. It's a shame a bad connection makes for a lack of itunes! (And I don't have my library with me and refuse to make this computer an authorized one).
I started to write a story last night and naturally it got lost as my connection was trying to refresh. (I'm in a hotel with "Free High Speed Internet Access," which is a nice way of giving us a connection but a really shitty one at that).
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I am in desperate need of some new music in my life. I used to be able to hold onto a new album and listen to it incessantly for months (or years) at a time, but my turnover rate has increased immensely. It's a shame a bad connection makes for a lack of itunes! (And I don't have my library with me and refuse to make this computer an authorized one).
