30 June 2006

The Draft

No, I have not stopped blogging... but I have been finding many entries in "draft" everytime I log on. My email has been suffering a similar fate. Unfinished thoughts, maybe? I can't explain. ... Wait, I just got distracted again with a guest and if I don't finish and post, it'll happen again. There goes my quality v. quantity standards.

27 June 2006

Bandwagon Chatter VII, Plastic on the inside

I had fat-free Pringles for the first time today. They are made with olestra, which I found the effects to be equivalent to eating a whole bag of jimmies. Jimmies are made with almost all Crisco. It is very noticeable upon mass consumption.

24 June 2006

Bam! Just like a pancake.

As I was driving across a bridge in the Bronx to get out of Manhattan, cars were weaving in and out of lanes - it was about 8:24am. All of the sudden, the small schoolbus I was driving next to slowly opens its doors. ... to let a kid out? ... or for fresh air?

I suddenly was singing the classic "The Wheels on the Bus..."

and then a new verse popped into my head and just couldn't be stopped

The children on the bus get dropped off here,
dropped off here,
dropped off here...

and the gesture for this one is to lie flat on the floor each time you sing "dropped off here" as though you had been let off the bus on the Willis Bridge and timed it incorrectly.

21 June 2006

I'm a Fine Motherf*ckah, Let Me Back My Ass Up

Recently, I have encountered ridiculous frustration with Internet websites. I am sick of "Warning, this page has expired" when I want to, for instance, check the previous page of the article I am reading. Or look up the price of a hammer on, like, Sears.com and want to compare it to the mop because I can only buy one item. Or go back to my hits on Google because I clearly did not select the best link. I'm sick of logging back in and having to remember how to re-navigate to the page I want. Let me back my ass up!

20 June 2006

I Scream, You Scream

I went to an ice cream social today. It was in a parking lot. They are so dumb. There is really nothing social about it, and it makes the event sound very loser adult. Really, you go there either by yourself and just get some ice cream to go... or you go with your very few friends and hang out with them. You don't ever "network" over the frozen dairy. And is it really ever frozen? It's always held in some very hot place or out in the hot sun. I guess that's what prompts the idea-- to cool you down. But it doesn't work if you end up getting just a big bowl of warmed flavored milk. It's like thickened leftover-cereal milk. "That's not an ice cream social. That's a cream social." ... I will not address this point any further ...

I was surprised that today no one came up to me to say, as at least one person usually does, "This is nice, isn't it?" shortly followed by some variation of how everyone likes ice cream. I often laugh politely, but recognize that it's loser adult humor. I think this did not happen because I was particularly not social.

Did I already mention that this event today was held on a hot tarred surface.

16 June 2006

New Target Market

I wriggled my way into an aisle seat on the train the other day. I had my bags stacked on my lap and politely tried to neatly tuck all extraneous clothing underneath my legs so as to keep to my space.

I pulled out my book. I was engrossed. And then I felt the arm hairs of the man sitting next to me tickling my left arm. It was admittedly okay at first-- mildly nice. He wasn't sweaty which was already a bonus with a train-seat neighbor. And then strings starting being thrown across the pages of my novel. No, the vines in the plotline were not coming alive and out of the book. It was from the man next to me.

I glanced suspiciously out of the corner of my eye. He was in his late 30's, maybe early 40's. His sideburns were slightly grayed and I could tell he probably woke up later in the morning; he was 3 hours shy of a 5 o'clock shadow. I shifted to his lap, the source of the string-toss. It was a daisy and he kept holding it up in front of him every few minutes to assess his careful work, but I was suspicious that he was secretly courting my opinion. "Hmm," I thought to myself with a scowl. He was needlepointing.

13 June 2006

Bedtime Magic

I discovered the key to a good night's worth of sleep. Don't share a bed with your pile of tried-on-but-didn't-wear-them clothes, unread magazines, hangers, remotes, and bedpan. The last one was a joke. No really, it was.

12 June 2006

The Case of the Unfriendly Neighbor

For some reason, there might be a train full of open seats and someone will always come and sit next to me. I doubt it's because they get more room next to me because I'm not particularly little. So this morning, my epiphany was this: I have made huge efforts to look extremely unfriendly. This works in outdoor public places where you don't want people to ask you directions, court you for money, bother you about buying a fake Luis Vuitton. I think the key to having no neighbor is to look threateningly interactive... particularly in the morning. I'll have to give it a try and see.

Parades II

I hate parades. I hate parades in New York City. I tried to find the history of parades on wikipedia but alas there was nothing. I wish I knew the background, the inventor, the person who developed this horrible concept of hooligans getting together to dress up like fools and make a lot of noise to disrupt the normal flow of life. I couldn't even lift a double espresso to my mouth this afternoon in the Upper East Side without a large breast getting in the way.

09 June 2006


I really think I might die of mercury poisoning. Try taking this test: http://www.nrdc.org/health/effects/mercury/index.asp

07 June 2006

Nostalgia III, Fun in the Sun

This past month has been a monotonous mess. I constantly feel like I am working the night shift because every morning it is dark and rainy. Like I am living in a reality opposite to the movie INSOMNIA that starred Al Pacino and Robin Williams (in a creepy role, second to ONE HOUR PHOTO).

What I suddenly crave is CAPRI SUN!-- if not to drink and bring out the sunshine, to prove that after 10 years I can successfully open it without bending the straw and warping it or damaging the foil so that it needs to be cut open with scissors. Take that!

06 June 2006

hot, Hot, HOT!

Probably my longest hiatus thus far. I have been busy trying to stay cool in the sweltering heat. And I have been busy eating - for what reason exactly, I'm not entirely sure. Burning too much energy in the heat?

The other day, I followed up my breakfast with... penne a la vodka for dessert (I can't help it - I was hungry!). Side story - a restaurant recently had 'penne all vodka' on their menu... Anyway, my vodka sauce had gone bad. What better solution than Thai chili paste? I figured that my creation needed something else to make it more... fusion. Yes, a few drops of lime made it perfect. Now for the fusion name -- Thailian? Or Ithaiian?

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